In Love and War
by RealWorldWriter47
Summary: Edward and Bella are young and in love at the time of WWII, but when Edward goes off to war, Bella has no choice but to find someone else. What happens when the love of her life comes back? will she choose him or the life she now holds?
1. A Lullaby

**A/N: I am very excited about this fanfic, especially this chapter since it is the only one I didn't need to rewrite a thousand times. Since Edward is going off to war (not really a spoiler since it was in the summary) it would be completely unfair for him to be a vampire, so this story is AH. The first couple of chapters are fluff, but obviously not all of them. There is actually story here. I just had to set up the lovely couple. So it begins...after the disclaimer that is...**

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Edward or Bella, and I am most certainly not responsible for WWII. This is my story, but the core of it belongs to Stephenie Meyer and of course Germany/Japan....no offense intended.**

**Summer 1942**

I stood leaning against the doorway, my eyes trailing over to Edward, who sat perched on his piano stool, fingers dancing across the keys sending waves of melody in every direction. I had no idea what he was playing, but my gaze wouldn't be lifted from his intense emerald stare as he focused on music I couldn't see. He looked like a painting, too perfect to be in my presence let alone be mine. I closed my eyes picturing the notes as they drifted by, elegant as silk, and as I lost myself in that world I heard a change in the tone, an intimacy that I at once recognized as my lullaby. The song was a testimony to Edward's perfection, and my deepest loss.

When my brother, Jasper, had left for the war, I couldn't sleep at night. Every time darkness would fall, I would picture him, bloody, cold, scared… dead. It made me sick. It made me exhausted. Edward knew of course, he always knew. Sometimes I thought that it was as hard for him to see me that way as it was for me to be going through it. One night, as I tried to banish the images from my mind I found myself walking to Edward's house. I knew without asking that I would always be welcome there, but I had never expected what I found. As if he had known all along that I would come, Edward was there and he took me in his arms so fast that I barely had time to react. Without a word, he took my hand and led me to the living room, to his piano, and began to play. The sound that escaped was like no other I had heard, it was all my sadness, all my hope, all of my desperation brought together in one seemingly endless string by the one person who understood.

Now as he played the notes that were mine and his I couldn't stop the pounding of my heart and the blush that poured out into my cheeks. He turned around, bronze hair falling across his face in a way that made me shiver. Edward smirked, beckoning for me to sit by him. He turned his attention back to the piano once he was sure that I was on my way and I watched entranced as his hands moved across the keys.

"How'd you know I was here?" I whispered, not wanting to disturb the beauty of the song.

He shrugged, "I guess I'm attuned to you, Bella"

"Yeah" was all I could think to say. I knew exactly how he felt, the change in the air that always meant Edward was near by. I snaked my arm around his back and pressed my body against his, breathing in his intoxicating scent. His lips brushed across the top of my head, and he pressed his forehead against mine. It took me a minute to realize that the music had stopped.

"Teach me" It wasn't the first time I had begged for him to show me how to move my fingers so lithely, like they were dancing across mounds of fresh snow.

Edward sighed, "Have you forgotten what happened when Alice tried to teach you how to play the flute?"

"Alice isn't _you_"

He was talking about the younger of his two sisters, whom I adored. Alice had also inherited her brother's gift for music, playing the flute as if it were an extension of herself rather than an instrument. And as much as I loved her, she was not a very patient teacher. She had bought me my own flute on a whim (she did most everything on a whim), but within the first hour snatched it out of my hands and declared me an impossible student. The thing still sat in my closet.

Edward's laughter broke me from my reverie, "You're right about that"

"So will you?"

"Of course, Love"

He enclosed my hand in his and brought it to the keys. The feel of his fingers against my skin, his breath swirling around the base of my neck, sent shocks through my body, but if he noticed, he didn't say anything. Very gently, he pressed one of my fingers down against the ivory, then another, until I couldn't stand it anymore. I craned my neck to look at him, only to find that he was staring at me with the same longing and intensity.

"Thank God" I breathed before our lips met. I brought my hands from the piano to his neck. Slowly he stood, bringing me up against his chest as he did so, cradling me to him. For a long moment we stayed like that, until I felt the smooth gloss of the top of the piano against my skin and heard the incoherent jumble of notes as my feet splashed against the keys. Edward's mouth had moved to my neck leaving mine free to breathe in and out, but I couldn't.

'_I don't need air, who needs air?' _I thought stupidly. If nothing else, the complete ecstasy was enough to keep me alive, until he stopped. My heart sank. Edward's morals- his one fault. His hand rubbed my cheek as I turned my eyes away. I slipped from the piano onto the floor and focused all my attention on fixing my blouse. I could feel blush creeping in again.

"I love you Bella" he said with complete sincerity.

"Mhm" I wiped at my lips with my palm, feeling completely idiotic. Why was I always the one who wanted more? Why was I always surprised when he pulled away?

Edward took hold of my arm, "that wasn't easy for me if that's what you're thinking. I'm only looking out for you"

I looked up at him, and in his gaze, I could see that he believed what he said. No matter how stupid it was, or how hurt I felt, he thought that he was doing what was best. He was right of course. If the adults in town found out that Edward and I had done anything more than exchange a chaste kiss they would try to break us apart at all costs, and they would probably succeed. It didn't matter that Edward was 18 and I wasn't far behind him, but none of that was why he really stopped our progression, he thought it was the right thing to do, that we should be married before having a physical relationship, much to my chagrin.

I edged closer and he pulled me into a hug, "I'll take you home" he whispered into my ear. He led me out to the street where his car was parked. I didn't live far, but it may as well have been a world away. His home could have fit the entire neighborhood at full capacity, and while my house was nothing to scoff at, it couldn't compare to the beauty and sheer size of Edward's. We drove in silence, his free hand on mine, my eyes trained on the Chicago streets. It wasn't until we had passed my house that I spoke up.

"Where are you going?"' I turned to stare at him as I watched the familiar building disappear.

"Somewhere that'll make you smile" Edward said simply, "I haven't really seen you do that since Jazz left"

The sentence hung in suspended awkwardness for several minutes, "It hasn't been that long…has it?" I was horrified. Could I really have been that unhappy?

He nodded gravely, "months now"

I rested my chin on my hand, thinking. Jasper and I had always been so close. It seemed natural to mourn his not being there, especially with my mother pacing the carpet everyday and casting glances at the door. She seemed to think that bad news was coming at any second. But had I really not smiled? I thought of what that must have done to Edward and cringed. He cared so much what I felt that he seemed to feel it too. So…I had made him unhappy.

I turned to him with the brightest smile I could muster, "Is this better?"

He stifled a laugh, "Love, I'm sorry, but you look ridiculous" he put his arm around my shoulder and sighed contentedly.

"So where are we going?" I murmured, only half caring. I felt so safe in his hold.

"To see Emmett"

I squealed in spite of myself. Emmett was Edward's best friend turned brother-in-law who lived in the city with Edward's older sister Rosalie. She was 22 with the most adorable little girl I had ever seen, but she had never approved of me. I wasn't high class enough for her little brother, but Emmett had never looked down on me. They were the exact opposite, he and Edward, but when they were around each other their relationship seemed as easy and natural as breathing.

"That made you smile" Edward said with a satisfied grin.

I nodded like a little girl who had just been promised a trip to the candy store, and he leaned in to kiss me, "I love when you smile"

"I love you" was my giddy response.

"More than my own life, Love"


	2. giving In

**A/N: Thus begins the 2nd chapter of my first all human fanfic, and thus beginst the more dramatic chapter in comparison to just the set up of the last. please, please, please review!!!!....and enjoy.**

I sighed and shifted myself so that my head was under Edward's chin. In Edward's home we didn't have to worry about social norms. We could be close and together, kiss. I rarely ever wanted to leave his house. His slow breath stirred the hairs on my head, and the feel of his lips so close to me was palpable, even out of sight. The trip to Emmett's had worked, and I was perfectly at ease, completely happy. Edward wrapped his arms around me, letting them come together dangerously close to my chest. I let out a shallow breath, and heard his low chuckle above me.

"You are completely unfair" I huffed, all the while leaning further into his body. I had to admit that it was, in part, to torture him. "Rosalie seemed cool toward you this afternoon," I said, anxious to change the subject from my own pervasive lust.

"Did she?" his tone was too light, as if he were trying to feign indifference. I broke from his hold and looked into his deep emerald eyes.

"Yes," I said impatiently, "she did. She barely spoke to you during dinner, and that scowl never left her face"

"She must be having problems with her husband then" he shrugged. My interest was piqued. I knew full well that she was not having trouble with Emmett, her problem was with her brother, and he knew the source of her anger. I was seldom sure of anything, but I was positive about this.

"You didn't have to take me there if you two aren't speaking" I deliberately ignored his lies about who Rosalie was irritated with. I wasn't in the mood for games.

"Bella," he sighed, "Rose and I are fine. She's just anxious about the war"

I jumped up, my heart pounding ridiculously. If Rosalie was worried about the war than there must be a reason, she must have been worried about someone rather than just a mass of fighting strangers. Who else would she care about than Emmett? I paced back and forth, my feet treading against the carpet with a dull dragging sound that matched my breathing. I ran a shaky hand through my hair and tried my best to find calm. Emmett was strong, he was quick and bright, he would be alright, like Jasper would be alright. They would come home again, they had to.

"Bella, Love, are you alright?" Edward had gotten to his feet and taken hold of my shoulders, his eyes bright with alarm, "what's happened? Should I call for Carlisle?"

I shook my head violently. Not Carlisle. He had come when Jasper had left. I hadn't been able to breathe or speak; my father hadn't known what else to do. This was too much like before, too much like losing another brother. I let out a sob and fell into Edward's chest, letting my forehead rest again the hollow of his throat, listening to the beating of his heart that was so close, "not Emmett" I muttered, still shaking, "please"

"Emmett? Bella, Emmett's not going anywhere, he's staying with Rose and their little girl"

"What?" my voice was barely a whisper and I fell heavily down on the couch, "then why? _Then why?_" I wrapped my arms around myself, trying to stop the quaking, but to no avail.

"It scares her, the war, it scares everyone, no one is immune" his tone took on a new sadness at the end, and I motioned for him to sit. He shook his head.

"Bella, you're a strong girl and you need to remember that. Bad things will happen, people will be killed or fall out of your life, and you need to understand that you can handle that, that you have to. I need you to promise me"

I felt dizzy. I could barely even understand the words that were escaping from his mouth. I only knew that he wanted me to promise, and I could always keep promises where Edward was concerned, "I promise" I said, letting my eyes close and my head lull onto the back of the sofa.

"I wish that you would never have to be hurt again," he stroked my hair and pulled me into his lap, rocking me into unconsciousness. If I had been more awake, I might have heard the warning in his voice.

The first thing I noticed as I woke was the comfort of the mattress I was laying on. It was not mine, that much I knew. I opened my eyes, my heart skipping a beat in anticipation of what I might find. I nearly jumped to the ceiling as I realized I was lying next to Edward. The moonlight was streaming in through his open window, casting one side of his face into a beautiful silver glow. I should have been afraid of what my parents would think of my disappearance, but the thought was nowhere near my mind. I unbuttoned my blouse and threw it to the floor, sliding out of my skirt at the same time. There was no time for doubt, no time to be self conscious. I made a split second decision to throw my hair over my shoulder, and leaned close to Edward, pressing my lips to his neck.

He woke with a start, nearly throwing me off him in the process, and then his eyes took me in. they looked eerily clear in the moonlight, beautiful. He had rarely ever seen me without stockings, let alone without clothes and I could tell from his expression that he was more than a little shocked. Nonetheless, he grabbed the back of my neck and pulled me into a long kiss that took my breath away.

"Who's unfair now?" he said as we broke apart

"This isn't a game or a test Edward" I whispered, completely serious.

"Bella, you don't want to do this" he was so grave, so completely sure that I was making a mistake, that it only made me more determined. My hand slithered to his shirt and pulled it swiftly over his head, running my mouth down his bare chest. He didn't try to stop me until I had reached his pant line, and then he grabbed me by the chin and forced me to look up at him.

"_Don't do this_" he begged, and I almost laughed, because for the first time, I was in power.

"Edward, you can fight me all you want, but I will win"

"That's what I'm afraid of," he said as he gave in.


	3. love and War

**A/N: Ok. I dont really have much else to say besides please read and review. Yeah, and enjoy of course.**

Kissing Edward was like heaven, but making love to him was of another world entirely. It was ecstasy, and if there was no heaven after that, then it scarcely mattered. The whole world fell away as long as he held me, and even when he stopped, the lingering peace was enough to keep me at least partially satisfied. He stroked my hair now, his long slender fingers working their way through the tangled tendrils with a new reverence. The sky outside was lighter than it had been, though I wasn't entirely sure when that had occurred. I pressed myself against Edward's chest and wrapped my arms around him. I loved the feeling of our skin touching, sending bolts of electricity through me even in the moment's simplicity.

I traced a finger against the ripples of his chest until I had reached dangerous territory, and reluctantly forced myself to stop. I was exhausted, and despite the ache I felt to never let go of Edward, I needed to sleep. Damn needs. He kissed my forehead, my nose, my chin, until he found my lips and held his mouth there gently. Without a thought, I pressed my palm to his chest, feeling his heart against my skin, and found it hammering beneath me.

"Edward!" I broke away more sharply than I had intended, too shocked by the frantic pace of his heart.

"_Bella" _Edward groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose. He looked easily 10 years older in just those few seconds, "I told you not to do this"

"I-I thought you were being modest," I stuttered, "protecting me. Not that you didn't want me" my lip was quivering despite my best efforts to control it.

"You amaze me, do you know that?" there was a definite and disturbing edge to his voice, "you are gorgeous, there is nothing that I wouldn't want from you, for you, but you think I don't _want _you?"

"What else am I supposed to think?" tears were running down my cheeks, and I didn't attempt to stem the flow.

"You are supposed to think there's something wrong with _me_, not you. Bella, how can you ever be on your own if you don't trust yourself?"

"On my own" I whispered the words, hating the sound of them leaving my lips, because they meant a future without Edward, a future I had never planned on or wanted. "You don't want me to be with me?"

"My God, there you go again. Get mad at me damn it!" he shot up and stood beside the bed, his eyes frantic with desperation, not anger. I was trying to think of that as comforting, but it only confused me.

"stop it" I pleaded, looking over at him with as much desperation as his eyes betrayed.

"not until you stop acting like a wounded puppy and be the strong woman that I know you are"

I felt sick. I could feel my stomach churning and my head pounding, and on top of that, I had begun to feel the aches my happy mood had been suppressing. What had I done? This wasn't how it was supposed to be. This wasn't my happily ever after. I choked back bile with all the energy I had left, so that there was none left to hold back the sobs.

"Stop" I cried, the word muffled by the pillow, "Edward, I-I-I don't know what you want me to say, tell me and I'll say it, just please stop"

"Oh Bella, I'm so sorry" he slipped back into the bed and pulled me to his chest, "I'm a monster. You're beautiful Bella, you're perfect, of course I want to be with you forever"

I would have happily stayed there until calm washed over me again if I hadn't felt the acid rising in my throat, threatening to spill out. My hands flew to my stomach and I rolled from the bed, nearly crashing to the floor as I did so. I ran to Edward's bathroom and emptied my stomach violently so that my whole body was still shaking after I was done. Edward kneeled next to me, his hand working slow circles on my back.

"Shh" he whispered into my roaring ear, "I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have hurt you"

I leaned back against him and looked at the cool tile, trying to steady my vision. Edward held me, whispering sweet nothings into my ear. I didn't listen to the specifics, but I just the simple rhythm of his voice was enough for me. I could tell by the noise in the hall that we had woken Alice from across the hall, that she was waiting for some sign that I was okay before she went back to bed. I got up and found my long forgotten underwear, slipping them on as I began searching for more clothing. My bra came next, but as I was clasping the back, I caught sight of a familiar uniform, an all too familiar uniform, one that I had seen as Jasper left for the war.

I shrieked, and Edward followed my gaze, swearing before he ran up behind me and covered my mouth with his hand, "I was going to tell you" he said as I fought against him, "I just hadn't found the right moment. It was why Rosalie was so angry, and I couldn't do that to you there, or when you were already so worried."

I bit at the skin encasing my mouth until I drew blood, "shit, Bella" he shouted, stumbling back in surprise.

I turned sharply on my heel to face him, "how _dare _you" I spat, the words feeling like acid even against my own tongue. My hand slapped against his cheek. The sound was splintering, but I didn't care. He was a monster, and I hated him. I hated him because I loved him, and it would be the death of me. I ran to the door, cradling my burning hand with my uninjured one. I wrenched it open and stumbled blearily in the hall, ignoring him as he followed me. I hoped the door hit him in the face.

Alice stood at her open doorframe, and took in my appearance, glaring at her brother when she was finished. I must have looked ridiculous in my underwear and hot with rage. She flitted into her room and returned with a robe, helping me into it without a word. I barreled down the stairs, leaving a stunned Esme and Carlisle in my wake.

"Bella, don't-" Edward called desperately from the top of the stairs, but I was beyond caring.

"What happened?" I heard Esme ask

And then Carlisle, "Wait Bella, I can drive you home"

Before I slammed the door behind me and stepped out into the warm summer night. I knew that Edward would come after me, but it didn't matter as long as I could put as much distance between us as possible, which wasn't likely given that he had broken every track record at our school.

It wasn't long before I heard footsteps behind me, but I was surprised that I had walked so far from the house already, "Hey pretty girl" came a rough male voice, not Edward's, this was not a good voice. This was a drunk voice, a dangerous voice.

"What's such a pretty thing like you doing out here by yourself"

"Waiting for my father, the police Chief" I said timidly, hoping beyond hope that this would scare him off.

"Aww I don't see him anywhere, looks like it's just you and me"

I didn't think, I just screamed the first name that came to my mind, "Edward!"


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Thanks to those who are reading and enjoying the story that is effectively my form of procrastination. This is one of my dark and twisty chapters. Have fun...and review.**

"Shut up you little bitch" the man's putrid breath battered my ear, his teeth touching against its skin, running their way up and down as if testing the ear before he would bite. His hands explored my shaking body without hesitation. He wasn't intimidated by the openness of the street or my scream. He moaned into my neck as he undid the robe, spinning my body on the spot so that I was forced to look at him.

A rough stubble marred his cheek, and his clothes were stained with beer and vomit. I fought the urge to hold my nose. He took my hand and flipped it harshly palm up, bringing it to his lips with a distant, perverted look in his eyes. His tongue darted out, and I pictured it like a snake's, forked and venomous. He licked every crease in the skin, before pushing it onto my chest, smirking.

"That's just a taste" he said in that gravel tone he had. It was disgusting. I could feel his spit clinging to me and it made me want to wretch, but it was nothing compared to the pain I felt as he brought his knee up to connect with my stomach. I slid to the ground, my arms folding in around me. My head smacked against the cement, and the dizziness was so much that I could barely see him. I was relieved. I would rather have been blind then ever see him again.

"Get up" he barked from somewhere overhead. I wouldn't, not if it would make him happy. If it was the last thing I would do I would make him hate me. I rolled to my side, putting out a hand as if to crawl away, but he stepped hard on my fingers, making me howl in pain.

He didn't wait for me to get up again. He grabbed a fist of my hair and yanked until I was on my knees, my bleary eyes watering. I could feel that I was losing blood, could smell the tainted copper in the breeze, but I wasn't sure where the cut was, not from my throbbing fingers. With one hand still tangled in my hair, the other swiped hard against my face, leaving an angry red heat.

"Edward" I choked, the word ushered from some desperate place within me looking for some comfort in the hopelessly bleak world.

"Who's Edward?" he pulled my head gruffly back, so that my breath came out in sharp uneven gasps, "did he get to you before me? Are you tainted pretty girl?"

He made me nod. It was the truth, but this disgusting man had no right, no right to call me tainted. Angry tears joined the ranks of those already spilled. He threw me to the side, almost into the street. I could feel more blood coming, leaking out onto the ground bellow me. _It's my head_ I thought dully, but there was no room in my mind for panic over that.

"whore" he spat, giving my back one last kick before I heard his footsteps falling away.

My whole body was covered in an odd, numbing tingle that had come with the last kick. I scrambled to my hands and knees, and started to crawl back to Edward's, but it was slow work and eventually the dizziness brought me to a halt and I fell back to the cement, letting my eyes close.

-----

_EPOV_

The thought of Bella out alone at night was enough to make me pace. Going after her was certainly an option, an especially appealing one given that Alice had started to yell as soon as she let the door shut behind her. but she had called me a monster, and it was a fitting description to be sure, one that I had used for myself only a few hours before, and she wouldn't want a monster to follow her.

At least she hadn't cried. Anger was easier to deal with, it proved that I was right, that she could take care of herself once I was gone. I wouldn't make her wait for me once I went, that wasn't healthy, not with all the things that could happen in war. She could move on and that would be okay, not easy, but alright.

"Edward, are you even listening to me?" Alice stood before me with her hands on her hips. She looked exhausted. I hadn't realized what time it was, "After Jasper, you thought that was the best time to tell her you were going to join him"

I groaned, I had been through this three times already, "_no _Alice, my uniform was in the bathroom, and when she got sick she saw it there"

"I hope she's alright" said my mother reasonably. She was absolutely right. I couldn't change what had happened, but I could still look out for her while I was here.

I went to the door without another word. She would be long gone by now, but that wouldn't stop me from looking. As I ran I went through all of the possibilities I could think of, her house, Angela's (the more likely scenario given the time), but nothing prepared me for what I finally did see.

Bella was surrounded by a pool of blood with a purple and black bruise marring her cheek. I stopped dead and shouted for my father.

----

_BPOV_

I was sure I was in heaven. I saw green, the most angelic emerald there could ever be, because it belonged to Edward. He hovered over me gently, not actually touching me, concern etched into his every pore. He looked so tired. I brought my fingers up to his face, tracing against the dark circles under his eyes. He inhaled deeply, looking like he might break with relief.

"Bella" he said in a hoarse whisper, "you had a cut on your head, but Carlisle bandaged it. It was the only one we could see but-" he swallowed, "Bella, did he hurt you?"

I knew what he meant, even dizzy, even exhausted, I knew what he meant, and it wasn't the cuts or bruises he was worried about. Still, he didn't ask it as if he would be ashamed if I was 'hurt' not as though he would blame me. I shook my head, earning the second breath of relief from Edward.

"I called your name" I croaked, still touching at his face as if to memorize it.

"Bella, I'm so sorry. I could kill him. I wanted to, I wanted to run after him and kill him for even touching you, but you needed help"

I brought my finger to his lips, "I meant that I called you because I forgive you. I love you, and war won't change that, ever"

Without another word he crushed his lips to mine, and for a minute I forgot all about the war, and only remembered that Edward, was here, with me, kissing me.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: I decided to begin this chapter with a flashback just to explain the Bella/Jasper relationship a little more, plus it goes into her family life a little more. I hope you like it, as always R&R**

_FLASHBACK….1929_

"I hate this place!" a door slammed somewhere downstairs, and I could hear my father wrench it open and shout something back at my mother. They were fighting again. I buried my head in Jazz's shoulder. He was 7, but he seemed so much older already.

"Bells" he said, reaching for my favorite porcelain doll. She had pursed, rosebud lips the color of cherries, and hair that curled softly to her shoulders. Her name was Emma.

"Bells, Emma will be scared if you cry. Don't cry ok." I nodded, hair bobbing up and down, my lashes already wet with dew. He handed me the doll, and I held her up to my chest, whispering into her ear as though to calm her fears, but really it was only to quell my own.

Jasper looked at me with eyes that were much too knowing and hardened than a little boy's should have been. He got to his feet and went to the door, and my own terrified tiny eyes followed him as he stared out, listening to the fight beyond.

"Who do you think will take you in, huh?" Dad was shouting, and there was something desperate in his voice, as if he was trying to talk sense into Mom, "Renee, you have 2 kids, no money, no job, there isn't anywhere but here for you" she was always trying to leave. She hated our home, hated how the floorboards creaked as she stood, or how the stove had to be coaxed into life, and she made sure Dad knew it. She had packed her bags so many times I had come to expect an open suitcase every time I came into her room, but she never left. She always stayed for us, Jasper and me.

I focused on Emma's perfect face as I heard their hurried footsteps coming up the stairs. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Jasper take a few steps back, fear flickering across his features for the first time that night.

"You can't keep me here!" I could hear a sob clawing at the edge of my mother's voice as she swung into the room, nearly tripping over Jasper as she did. Dad didn't say a word, he just looked on with an exhausted look on his face. He gave the impression that he might give up any minute. I left Emma on the floor and crawled over to Mom's leg, looking up at her wild eyes and disheveled clothes.

"Come here Angel" she cooed, tears still yanking at her throat, choking her a little and slurring her speech. All the same I opened my arms, and was lifted to her hip with surprising swiftness. I hung my head against what I could reach of her shoulder and listened in awe to her frantic heartbeat.

"What are you doing?" said my father, truly alarmed now.

"They're mine and I'm taking them" she spoke with forced confidence, but she was shaking as she held me.

Dad's voice was almost gone as he forced his next words out of his mouth, "You can't" I wouldn't look at him. I was afraid to see anything but strength in my father's face, "give her to me Renee"

"Why should I? So you can trap her here for the rest of her life?"

"You can hurt me Renee, you can even leave if you want to, but you will hate yourself for the rest of your life if you ruin their lives too"

Mom ignored him and went over to where Jasper stood, frozen, looking between both of his parents with wide eyes. She held out her hand, but he didn't take it. Instead his gaze locked with mine and he let Dad do the talking.

"stay where you are Jasper" he walked slowly forward like he was afraid she might snap. She backed away with each step he took toward her, until she was at the wall, shaking her head furiously, sending angry tears burning onto my flesh.

"Set her down, and go to bed" he said in a low, coaxing voice.

"No" but her voice was quiet, she had given up.

"Please Mommy" I whispered, my lips close to her ear. I wanted to see Jasper, to hold Emma, anything but be held up so high when everyone was so angry. She broke into hysterics, her chest heaving, sending my body backward with every breath. She kissed the top of my head and let me slide down to the floor, Jasper was there to meet me. He was always there when I needed him.

"You were brave Bella, you were brave" he said as Mom raced from the room and Dad followed slowly after. I smiled in spite of everything. My big brother, the bravest person in my whole world, thought I was brave.

----

_THE PRESENT: SUMMER 1942_

I woke with a start, hardly believing what I had just dreamt. It had been years since I had had that nightmare about the night that had changed my young life, the night that my mother stopped pretending to love my father, stopped pretending to love anything except her two children. She told us we were the only good things in her life, and she made sure my father knew that too. That's why she took it so hard when Jasper left, and why she continually coached me never to get married. She couldn't lose us, the only things she cared about.

I brought a hand up to examine my face. I had a bruise, that much was clear, and from the tenderness I could only guess that it covered a good portion of my face. It was hard to believe that it had only been last night that Edward had found me unconscious on the street. I opened my eyes. I was in Rosalie's old room, the intricate vanity gave it away. I only hoped that Alice had had the good sense to tell my father that I would be staying over (for her benefit only of course).

I swung my legs from the bed and groaned loudly at the pain that followed. My stomach felt like it had been stuck with needles, my head like it had been ripped out of place. The force of it all stole my breath. It was hard, and I yelped at every step, but I made it to the door and creaked it open. If it hadn't been for the blinding pain I would have laughed at the sight of Edward slumped against the doorframe, his head lulled to the side and his chin resting against his chest, moving evenly with every breath. I couldn't help it, I reached down and touched my fingers against the side of his face, and he jerked awake, startled.

"Afraid someone would sneak in?" I asked as playfully as I could manage through the desperate ache in my body.

"Could you blame me?"

He had a point. I slid to the ground as carefully as I could and took his hand in mine, "I bit you" I remembered suddenly with a mixture of horror and laughter.

"You did" he examined his injured finger, still entwined with mine, with mild interest, "and quite hard I might add"

"Sorry" I said quietly.

"No you're not, and you shouldn't be. You were mad, and I was an ass"

I clapped a hand to my mouth in mock prudishness. Yes, I was mad, and I was still mad, but there was nothing I could do. I was hopelessly in love. Edward was frowning, his eyebrows furrowed in an expression I had come to recognize as concern.

"You're in pain" he observed, bringing his free hand inches from the bruise on my face and tracing it in the air. The concentration on his face as he made those simple gestures was enough to stop my breath.

"Its more my stomach than anything" I said, not realizing that I had been clutching the spot unconsciously.

It was as if the whole world revolved on this one insignificant detail. He dropped my hand and moved toward me, dragging the thin cloth of my robe away with careful fingers until my stomach was revealed, and with it, the dark purple monster that had spread its tendrils across my skin, invaded and taken control. Edward's eyes went wide as he examined it, his cool fingertips touching at the edges and making me gasp. He looked so consumed by the darkness of it that I was afraid he might slip away. I couldn't let him, so I said the one thing truthful thing I knew that could get his attention.

"I saw Jasper last night"

Edward stopped his prodding and looked up at me, and however odd that gaze might be, whatever delusion he thought I was under, I was just glad that he wasn't focusing on the bruise anymore. I covered it up with the robe, "you _saw_ him?"

"In a dream" I clarified, "it was more of a memory actually"

Edward sighed in relief, obviously worried that the blow to the head I had taken had done more damage than he thought, "and?"

"He was 7 and I was 4, and he told me I was brave"

"You are brave" said Edward, making me blush scarlet, "Bella Swan, you are a brave woman, and I love you"

"Edward Cullen, you are obviously insane, but I love you anyway"

And then he kissed me, and it didn't matter whether I was brave or not, or what dream had haunted me.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: This chapter is basically about fears, Bella & Edward's. I needed to do this before chapter 7 when EVERYTHING changes. Please review...and enjoy!**

The clouds were thick and heavy with unshed rain. I could feel it in the breeze that lashed against my cheek and swirled around my bare legs. The world was still, an eerie calm that brought a shiver down my spine, but still I had the nagging feeling that I wasn't alone, and despite the seemingly harmless nature of my surroundings I knew instinctively that whatever this place was, it was not safe. As if ushered in by this awareness, a shot rang in the air, rippling against the silence, tearing every bit of it. I sank to my knees, and beneath them was a mud I didn't remember. Appearing from nowhere, suddenly all around me were hundreds of soldiers, American, Japanese, German, people without a country, people without a face. Their skin was caked in blood, their eyes white and blind.

They were horrible and maimed, but they were silent, all of them. I crawled about the bodies, terrified and entranced. My heart was pounding as though at any moment I might turn and see a familiar face lying in the grass, silently tormented. The rain started to fall in slow drips, the droplets clinging to each tendril of my hair, and the back of my neck. I wiped a hand across the skin, and found my fingers scraping against slime, slick, hot, goo. Blood, it was raining scarlet blood. I shrieked and fell backward onto the ground scrambling away from the scene as fast as I could. But the more I struggled, the harder the alien rain fell, and the more I screamed, the more the ruby beads fell to my lips and tongue. I could taste the metallic copper, and I wretched.

"Bella" a voice I recognized, but a tone that I didn't. it was lifeless, so lacking the caring I was used to, but it was Jasper, that much was clear. I got to my feet, slipping on the slickness beneath me. I needed to find him. He would help me out of this hell.

"Help me!" I shrieked, tripping over bodies as I ran aimlessly. There was no end to the corpses, no end to the rain, only pure terror kept me going, "Jasper!"

This time it wasn't my brother who answered, it was Edward. I could see him just ahead. The blood fell around him, but not onto him, he was clean and alive, "Go home Bella" he warned, with the same lack of inflection that I had heard Jasper use.

"I can't" I sobbed, just as a bullet hit him squarely in the chest. He swayed on the spot, a single long stream of scarlet rushing down his uniform. It snaked its way down, a murderous snake, gripping him in a deadly vice. I halted on the spot, watching as he hit the ground with a resounding thud louder than even the first gunshot. I shook my head, my hair, bronzed by the blood, slicing against my face as I did, because however impossible, however insane, my brother had shot Edward.

The gun was still in his hand, his expression fierce and wild. He was not the brother I had last seen, the brother who accepted that he must kill not because he relished it, but because he so desperately wanted to protect his country, his family. And then he turned the gun on me…

I woke clutching at my chest, at the place where the bullet should have been. There was nothing except my own thrumming heart to feel. I fell back to the pillows, wiping the beading sweat from the hollow of my neck, and glad that my own perspiration was the only thing I came up with. I heard a door swing open to my left, and realized that I must have been sobbing. It was only a dream; I was really at Edward's. The tears that came down my cheeks at this realization were ones of relief.

"Bella!" Edward said, coming into my line of vision. I shrieked, turning my head into the pillow to cover the scream. The vision was etched into my mind, fueling my scream even as I tried to stifle it. Edward was wearing his uniform, "hey" he said in a voice that was barely a whisper, coming to the side of the bed and brushing a hair from my eyes. His hand cupped my cheek, his eyes etched with concern.

"shh, Love" he brought me into his arms, but I could feel the crisp fabric of his uniform beneath my skin, the ever present reminder of my dream, that he would leave me. He seemed to understand. He held me with one arm while the other worked to undo the buttons of his jacket. He shrugged out of it and clutched me to his chest.

"I'm so s-s-sorry" I choked out, burying my face into his neck, kissing his skin with my quivering lips. He brought his chin to my hair, and his slow whispers swirled the frenzied pieces.

"It was just a dream" he assured, climbing into the bed and letting me curl into him.

"why were you wearing that?" I croaked, glancing at the jacket bellow us. He refused to tell me when he was leaving, and it made me feel like he could disappear at any moment.

"I was trying it on" he said quickly, "I wanted to know how it would feel"

It was silent for a moment, "and?"

"and it feels horrible. That's what I'll be wearing when I end someone's life. That's what I'll be wearing when I walk away from you"

I felt unbelievably guilty. I was so selfish when he was the one who needed reassurance. I had done it with Jasper, the anger, the crying, and now I was doing it to Edward too. I propped my chin against his chest and looked up at him. He looked so confused, as though his resolve was wavering.

"It's what you'll be wearing when you come back too"

"How can you be sure that I will?" he said as though he really needed to know.

"How can I not be?" I rolled from the bed and went to retrieve his jacket. It was time that I stopped thinking of myself, and start supporting Edward. "Come here" I said, plastering on a smile and waving him over.

"What are you doing?" he asked, glancing between me and the jacket as though I had snapped. Maybe I had.

"Seeing if I can change your mind" he got slowly to his feet and stood before me, still looking at me as though I might break. I beamed at him, sliding the jacket up his arms slowly, purposefully. I kept my eyes on his the entire time. My fingers worked carefully at each of the buttons, taking care to keep each movement solid and assured. Then I wrapped my arms around his neck and perched on my toes for better access to his lips.

"Now whenever you put this on, you'll remember this moment" I breathed.

"That's a good memory to keep" he wrapped his arms around my waist and lifted me from the ground. I could keep this memory too. Maybe the uniform wasn't so bad.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Alas, the chapter where I finally start getting to the whole point. Edward is leaving :( I say that not to spoil, but it was in the summary so it should not be too surprising. I also set Alice up for at least some story line concerning her, so that was fun, and kind of uplifting. Hope you like it. Please R&R**

_EPOV_

"Don't fall asleep" the words escaped from her mouth in a hoarse whisper, raw from exhaustion and unshed tears. As if I needed to be told. Everything about the moment begged for my attention, and I wasn't about to let sleep take hold of me. Bella was bathed in the silver moonlight, her hair splayed over the pillows, her mouth tugged into a frown that was nonetheless breathtaking. My heart ached to know that I would be leaving her in the morning.

"I won't" I promised her, taking her hands into my own and laying both against my heart. She sighed as though the weight of the world were on her shoulders and moved closer.

"I don't want this night to end. I want you to promise me forever, promise me an eternity." Tears spilled down her cheeks, and I reached to brush at them with our still entwined fingers. Not for the first time, I felt a twinge of doubt that she would ever move on.

"You have no idea how much I want to do that Bella, but I can only promise you tomorrow because after that I will be gone and no matter how hard I fight I might not come home. I won't make a promise I can't keep, not to you"

The words were as much of the truth as I dared speak. There was no need to add that I secretly hoped beyond all reason that she wouldn't find someone else, that I would come home to find her waiting just as I had left her, untouched by the passage of time. There was no need to add that at this moment I was wondering why in the hell I had ever signed up for something that would take me so far from her, so far that I could very well not come back. There was certainly no need to say that I was seriously contemplating picking her up and leaving the country, pretending that I had never made such a reckless mistake. Patriotism my ass, this was a death sentence. But none of that would do any good, so I held her head against my chest and tried to ignore the sobs that tore from her throat threatening to spur my own.

_BPOV_

It wasn't until a grey and threatening light had filled the sky that I stopped crying. The day was coming, and I hadn't even had the chance to properly look at Edward. I wiped furiously at the last wayward tears on my cheeks and pulled away from him so that I could more easily see his eyes. There were dark rings surrounding them. I pressed my lips against the spot, not closing my eyes, not daring to look away. There was so much I hadn't truly looked at, so many things I hadn't had enough of. The way his lips curved into a crooked smile that never ceased to make my heart beat a little faster, the feel of his skin against mine.

Hours I spent memorizing him, until the sun made its appearance, "It was the nightingale, and not the lark, that pierced the fearful hollow of thine ear. Believe me love, it was the nightingale." I recited the words of Juliet in a whisper. They were not perfect, I was sure I had skipped a line somewhere, but they expressed my feelings far better than I ever could.

"It was the lark, the herald of the morn, no nightingale, look, love, what envious streaks do lace the severing clouds in yonder east. Night's candles are burnt out, and jocund day stands tip-toe on the mountaintop. I must be gone and live, or stay and die" Edward of course, spoke the words in perfect rhythm, even as his voice broke on the last line. He was born to be my Romeo, however reluctant he was for me to be his Juliet.

And thus the perfection of my life ended, the very reason for it. I watched him go, said the formal good-byes and felt that final press of my lips against his. It was a desperate, deep, kiss that made the world spin, but then he left, and the world came crashing back down. I couldn't shake the feeling that that would be the final time our mouths would touch.

_APOV_

I watched my brother disappear, off to fight a hopeless war just like… I stopped that thought dead in its tracks, I would not allow myself to think of _him _over there, the one who would never know just how much I cared. I watched as my mother dissolved into tears and fell, as though every inch of stability was taken from her, into my father's arms. And then I saw Bella, pale as a sheet and quivering. She screamed after him, and then tumbled to the grass, where she lay, motionless. My father made it to her just as I did, assuming that look he always took on when dealing with patients, not detached, just concentrated.

I held on to Mom as he carried Bella in. I looked up at her as she passed, limp, lifeless, her eyes dead. There was nothing about her to suggest that the Bella I had known had ever exsisted. She didn't look alive at all.

I knew my brother's plan; a clean break, no letters, no declarations of love carried back and forth, and I was not to interfere.

"I'm trying to save her life" he had urged, and I had agreed, because Bella deserved a future, a future devoid of war and heartbreak, of the endless waiting that would eat her alive. I knew about waiting, I knew what it did to your very soul as you poured desperately over every letter, as if the words themselves were the nourishment that your body was deprived of. I knew what it was like to fear each day that a response didn't come, because the one you had written to might very well have been killed. That wasn't a life I wished on anyone, least of all Bella, but the look on her face, or lack there of, was almost enough to change my mind. Almost, but not quite, she needed time to heal, she needed someone she loved.

_Dear Jasper,_ I wrote with a trembling hand. I opened my desk drawer and held his picture to my chest. _I love you_ I thought wildly, _Please help us_


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: I'm really glad that people have favorited and reviewed this story. If I can be selfish, I'd like to ask that more of you who favorite can review. Anywho, this chapter was really kinda hard because Edward just left and I was trying to figure out what I was going to do. Nobody pass judgment yet on what I did decide, see how this plays out...please. Enjoy!**

APOV

The room was dark. The candle I had been burning had melted, leaving a pool of wax on my desk. Mom would kill me. The storm outside raged, and inside, my heart pounded because Jasper had just sent me the letter I had been waiting for, the one that only my dreams could have conjured up. He told me he wanted to marry me. I sighed contentedly as I wrote down my hurried and shaky "yes" before responding to his questions about Bella. She hadn't changed much in the time that had passed since Edward left, but I picked up encouraging notes and penned them quickly to assuage his fears. She was eating now, talking. There wasn't much else to say. She was all but dead, and I fought hard to keep it even that way.

I ran a hand through my hair as I tried to remember something trivial and light to tell him, a taste of normal life, but I couldn't. I signed the letter with my usual "love always" and put it into the drawer. Bella didn't need to know about Jasper and I, not when she was so broken. No one needed to know, not yet.

I felt light headed. Jasper wanted to marry me! His proposal was perfect, because it was real, because he hadn't waited until he got home for all the fanfare. When I heard the doorbell ring I skipped down the stairs, humming under my breath some strange mixed up version of the wedding march. Mom and Dad gave me a look as I hit the last step, jumping onto it with a thud to end my song. I just smiled. Dad shook his head as he got the door, and my smile faded.

There, standing in the rain, looking more like a ghost than a girl, was Bella. She was drenched. Her hair fell in straight dripping plaits, her teeth chattering. She was sobbing, adding to the shaking of her body, with her hands clamped around herself as though that was all that was holding her together. My father took a moment to collect himself before stepping out to half drag, half carry her in. Mom had her hand clasped to her mouth, her eyes already shimmering with tears.

"Bella" I gasped as I leapt from the step and hugged her tight to me. I stayed that way until I felt her rigid body relax, and then stepped back, rubbing her arms with my still warm hands. She looked down at them and took a great gasp of air. When she spoke her voice was raw and quiet.

"I can't go back home, Alice"

I didn't understand. Renee was always so protective of her children. If she found out what Jasper and I were planning she would have a fit, so how was it that Bella could possibly be out of a home when her mother scarcely let her cross the street without permission. I shook my head. She must have misunderstood. Maybe they wanted her to get help. That wouldn't be so unreasonable.

"Bella that can't be" I finally voiced what I'd been thinking.

Bella laughed, but it was harsh, and completely devoid of humor. "I'm a disgrace to the family. I might as well not exist now."I still didn't understand, but I waited for her to continue, "Alice," she leaned in close, looking like she might fall over with the effort, "I'm pregnant"

_BPOV_

I had never liked attention, so in retrospect this was probably not the best news to air in public, specifically with Edward's parents. I peeked sideways at Carlisle, who was staring at me as though I had just proclaimed the coming of Christ himself. Alice had stopped the friction at my arms, and hadn't even attempted composure with her mouth hanging completely agape. Finally, I glanced at Esme. Would she be mad at me? Her son? God, I didn't want her to be mad at _him._ Slowly, she took a step toward me, one hand outstretched toward me. I waited until she had closed the gap, and closed my eyes. I didn't want to see her angry face, it didn't seem natural, not with her. But instead of the fire I had been expecting, I felt only the warmth of a palm against my cheek. I opened my eyes to find no anger, no hurt, only concern and…love, etched into Esme's eyes.

I sank to my knees and Esme lowered herself along with me, holding me in her arms now, stroking my soaked hair. I was getting her all wet. I tried to push away, to apologize, but she wouldn't let me. Carlisle had taken a seat with his fingers pinched to the bridge of his nose in a way that reminded me so much of _him_ that I had to look away. Alice was perched on the bottom step with her palms holding her head. She looked over at me and beamed.

"I'm going to be an aunt!" she sang. The tension broke. Esme's bell of a laugh raised a few stray hairs on my head and Carlisle chuckled from where he sat, but it was my reaction that truly startled me. I was _laughing, _really and truly laughing for the first time in what seemed like a lifetime. I broke free from Esme and stumbled my way over to Alice, who met me with open arms.

Carlisle got up from his seat and helped Esme to her feet, bracing her shoulders once she stood. His lips brushed her cheek and again I had to look away, "we'll have to tell Edward" he whispered, but I would have heard that name from miles away.

"No!" I shrieked, "If he still wants to be with me then he can make the decision on his own terms, I won't pressure him"

"But Bella" Alice coaxed in a low voice that clearly displayed her fear about my mental state.

"But nothing" I nodded as though this would make it final.

"We'll respect your decision Bella" Carlisle spoke first, ever the voice of reason, though his family was shooting him glares, "I have faith in my son and the decision he'll make, with or without this news"

I winced against the false hope. I wasn't worth it. Carlisle was forgetting that one crucial factor. Alice recovered quickly. She took my hand and lead me up the stairs, forming without words, the agreement that I would stay there.

"This is amazing Bella," she told me, "this day couldn't get any better"

I shook my head. She was certainly strange.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: This isn't my favorite chapter, but it needed to be done to set the stage for what I call Act 2. As always, please R&R**

**October 1942**

Alice was going to be a fantastic aunt, even if she was an irksome caretaker. She wanted to buy me everything (she ignored my resistance, however strong). She was one step away from fluffing my pillows before I slept, and definitely would have done it if I asked. Her excitement was so great that it was almost enough to make up for my lack of it. It wasn't that I didn't love the child growing inside me. The simple fact was that his father didn't want me anymore, and that made it hard to imagine a life beyond pregnancy, when the little clone of him was truly alive, and growing up with a amazing aunt, adoring grandparents, me, but no father. What would I say to him when he was old enough to realize that someone was missing? What could I say? I wasn't good enough, strong enough, to keep him around.

I had written to _him _of course, carefully picking out truths about my life without giving away my condition. They all came back unanswered. Had he noticed the return address? Had he wondered why I was with his family? Did he even care? These thoughts only brought about a deep ache in my chest, but they were constant, flowing questions in my head that couldn't be banished. Finally I stopped writing, but not before I sent a final letter saying that I was perfectly happy, even dating to explain why my letters would cease. It was a shameless lie, but I didn't want him to think that I was still pining, to stir guilt within him. He didn't deserve that. It was the only one of my letters that wasn't sent back.

For their part, Esme and Carlisle had kept their word about not enlightening their son. They pretended not to notice the redness of my eyes as the mailbox was filled with only my own pitiful writing. Alice wasn't so considerate. She cursed her brother for his abandonment, wrote him angry notes that she claimed to send, but were really shoved in her desk, gathering dust. This almost made me laugh. For all her words, she loved him, she always would. It was better that way, right.

I dropped a hand to my stomach, looking at myself in the mirror of Rosalie's ornate vanity. I looked cared for, but not healthy. I looked like I was only half a person, a ghost. I looked away with my lip curled in disgust. I got up slowly, making my way to Alice's room. I tried to be alone as little as possible these days. Silence led to thoughts, dark, painful thoughts.

I knocked twice before entering. Alice jumped as I came in, shoving a letter hastily into her desk and blushing scarlet. There was a picture in the drawer, but I didn't have enough time to see who it was, "Sorry" I said, already backing out.

The girl who I had once thought would be my sister in law shook her head and motioned for me to come in, "Its nothing"

The words sounded so genuine that I would have been convinced had it not been for what I had just seen, "Alice, you spend so much time taking care of me, but I never ask about you. What is it?"

She sighed, taking my hand, "First of all, I like taking care of you, and it was just a letter"

"To…your brother?" I couldn't bring myself to say his name.

A slow smile crept onto Alice's face, and I could tell that she was debating whether or not to tell me, she seemed to decide that she could, "no, to my fiancé"

I stumbled to the bench at the foot of her bed and sat down heavily. I had been _completely_ oblivious, "your _what?"_

She laughed, an uncharacteristic giggle, "I'm engaged"

"to who?" it came out as a stutter. Had I been so bad that she thought she couldn't tell me this? Was I really that self absorbed that I hadn't noticed?

Suddenly a cloud came to her features, "a soldier"

Oh. I understood now why she hadn't told me. There was a definite parallel between her situation and mine, only this man obviously still wanted her in his life. He had proposed. So she had two people she cared about in the war too. His must have been the picture I had seen in her drawer.

"Do I know him?" I asked, because it was the only thing I could think to say

She laughed again, but this time it was humorless, "I think you might"

and she wouldn't say anything more.

_EPOV_

_Edward,_

_I certainly hope this gets to you, as it will be my last letter. You see, I'm very busy here. I've started dating again, I hope that's alright with you. He's very nice, I think you would like him. I hope you're well too and that you can find someone when your job is done there. _

_Bella_

So, she had stopped ending her letters with "love" she had moved on, and quickly. That was good, it was what I wanted. It was why I hadn't answered any of the other letters, so that I wouldn't hold her back from starting over. But there was something cold about her words, something off. Maybe it was anger, that wouldn't be so unusual. She should hate me, hate was easier than the alternative, what I felt. I loved her more now than ever before, something I hadn't thought possible, and the jealousy I felt building up within in me for whoever was lucky enough to have her now, was almost enough for me to try to run home. It was my plan, my idea, and I didn't have a right to renege on it now.

Besides, I had to focus on the task at hand if I wanted to make it home at all. I only wish that I cared more about home now that it meant that Bella wouldn't be there waiting.


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Let me sta**r**t by saying that I know this took forever and I promise that there will be a new chapter by January 2nd possibly sooner. This chapter was going to go in a completely different direction before my friend convinced me that I was entirely too morbid and that it would actually turn out better in this direction. She was right. Thats why she prereads this stuff. Thanks for reading, I hope you like it. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE Review. Yes, I know I'm begging.**

James Clark, heir to the Clark fortune, built for who knew how many years, and from what talent or ambition no one could tell. He was a beautiful man with raven dark hair combed away from perfectly chiseled features, muscles that any self respecting man would envy, and any sane women would want to see. He and his sister Victoria were the pride of the town. Why they ever moved there to begin with was a matter of rumor. Some people went so far as to say that they were escaping the law. I never put much belief into rumors. I watched him from the window of the Cullen's home, talking with the gorgeous and similarly rich Tanya Denali. He whispered in her ear and she threw her head back in obnoxious laughter. It was hard to reconcile this image of the Clark son with the knowledge I now held.

Apparently, James was in some sort of trouble. Promiscuity and other addictions I didn't care to know any more about were threatening to ruin his father's image. And James Clark Senior couldn't handle that. He was ordering that his son get married, not to the ravishing Tanya Denali or some other girl of movie star quality charm and good looks, but to someone who wouldn't feed to his vices, someone like me, or more specifically, exactly me. The older Mr. Clark chose to ignore the fact that I was pregnant with another man's baby. He had told my father that that little fact could be kept quiet easily enough, and that maybe fatherhood would settle his son. Had anyone bothered to include me in the conversation? Of course not, I was a pawn.

All the same, it was still my choice. I had a home with the Cullen's, I didn't need to be married to live comfortably, but I couldn't stop thinking about the future. I couldn't be selfish. I needed to think of my child, I even needed to think of my child's father. If he came home and I was still living there, than that would completely counteract everything I had done to keep him from the complication, to keep him from me when he so obviously wanted to separate himself.

He had been pretending for so long. Telling me he loved me so that he wouldn't hurt me, staying with me so that I would be alright. I wouldn't do that to him anymore. He was my Romeo, but I wasn't Juliet. I was the fool. I was the girl who had believed all of the beautiful lies, all of the perfect moments. Its funny what the fool will believe and what he won't, what I believed and what I chose not to. I chose not to think that he wouldn't come back for me, when that was the one truth of it all. I had to force myself to say his name, to get up every day and not see his face in my mind. With his parting, my Romeo had given me instructions for act two; move on, be strong, don't think of me.

If I wanted to survive, if I wanted my child-_Edward's _child to be happy than I had to forgo my own happiness and marry the man outside the window, making the other girl laugh. It was repulsive. The thought of it made me want to wretch, but what choice did I have? None of the Cullen's deserved the burden of my presence. If anything, I was only a depressing reminder that their son, their brother wasn't coming home.

"Are you alright Bella?" Esme stood in the doorway, her voice quiet and careful. I hadn't been very alright lately, "I heard what happened this afternoon" she couldn't quite disguise her disgust.

I perched myself on the corner of my bed and motioned for her to sit down. My heart was pounding. I didn't want to tell her what I was about to, I didn't want to know her answer, "would you hate me if I accepted his _proposal?_" if that's what it really was.

Esme's mouth gaped open and she looked frozen. I buried my head in my hands. What must she think of me? That I didn't love her son? Nothing could be farther from the truth. That I didn't love her family? Again she would be wrong. She recovered herself and put her arms around my shoulders, "Bella, I could never hate you, but you're always welcome here. you're as much a part of this family as your baby, and when Edward comes back he'll be so happy" she smiled sympathetically.

"I won't hold him to me through guilt. I've seen what that does to people" I shuddered as I thought of my mother.

"Guilt? He adores you"

She obviously didn't know her son very well, or chose to ignore the facts for my sake. It wasn't going to work. I wasn't listening to the words I so wanted to hear. They were deadly lies. They would make me stay, make Edward feel like this was his obligation. I held Esme's hand and smiled in a way that I hope conveyed the fact that my mind was made up.

APOV

_Bella, I'm in love with your brother_. No, too abrupt, _Bella, do you remember that soldier I told you about? He's Jasper_, no that wasn't good either. I needed to think of something ahead of time or I would lose my nerve, and Bella would never know the true identity of my fiancé. How was she supposed to be in my wedding if I had to hide the groom? I shook my head. I would just have to sit her down and see where the conversation led us, or where it would go if I steered it lightly in the right direction. I wrenched open my door with my heart pounding, to find Mom and Dad standing in the hallway, talking in low whispers.

"we can't let her get _married_ that's Edward's baby. We should at least tell him" Mother pleaded, looking like she might actually start pacing.

"I won't tell him unless she consents. That will only hurt them both"

"So what are we supposed to do? Pretend that that's not our grandchild let some other boy raise our son's child?"

"I honestly don't know" my father said, but before he could continue he looked in my direction, and the conversation cam e to an abrupt halt.

Bella was going to get married to that pig James Clark? I had thought that she would say no immediately. She was pregnant for God's sake! I ran to her room and threw the door open, all plans of telling her about Jasper and me forgotten.

BPOV

_SLAM!_ I almost slipped off the bed as Alice stormed in, her eyes bright and livid.

"good news travels fast" I muttered, trying to keep my tone light but feeling hot shame under her stare. This was the reaction I was afraid of, though I couldn't

"He's an ass" she said, so abruptly that I almost laughed. So she was trying to reason with me. Well, she had no idea how low my standards were.

"I don't care"

"He'll cheat on you"

"Good"

I was quickly infuriating her with my casual attitude. It was almost enough to make me laugh.

"He's a snob"

"That's the least of my worries" I said with a sad smile. Her anger melted on the spot. Her face softened.

"he's not my brother" she said finally.

"I know"

We stayed like that in silence. There was nothing more to say.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: There isn't much to say besides happy new year and R&R. School starts again tomorrow which makes it really good that I wrote ahead.**

James Clark Senior looked a lot like his son, but the bones of his face, which seemed so sharp in his younger counterpart, were diminished somehow and his smile was less bright. However dull his appearance seemed though, he was very much alert. I studied him, because it was easier than letting my glance travel to the man who (if our fathers had their way) would be my husband all too soon. The Clark who would be mine fidgeted in his chair, a scowl on his handsome face.

"I'm so glad you agreed to this Isabella" his father said in a low gravely voice.

"Bella" I corrected him automatically, though I didn't much care what he called me. It seemed like what a polite girl might say to her future father-in-law.

"Bella's a sensible girl" Charlie chimed in from his position in the worn out armchair.

The Clark's looked out of place in my comfy living room. They were grand people; their very smell bringing about images of grotesque wealth. They traveled where and when they wanted, ate at the best restaurants, and shopped at stores most people would die to. Of course, none of the money belonged to James Junior, who had never worked a day in his life.

"Isn't she beautiful" the elder Clark spoke as though I were a thoroughbred horse rather than the girl who would marry his son.

I looked at myself in the glass of the nearby china cabinet. My father had insisted that I look my best for my prospective fiancé, and had made my mother work on every inch of me for hours until he had deemed me presentable. For once I felt like I could be called pretty, but I didn't want to be called pretty by him. My father was the one who wanted this so badly. I would have no prospects in his mind if I had my child without a husband. It didn't seem to bother him that that husband wouldn't be the child's father.

Mom wouldn't come into the room. She stayed in the kitchen, hovering in the doorframe and listening to our every word. She was torn, she couldn't possibly have me stay with her and raise my child, but she certainly didn't want to give me up either, least of all to a man she only wished she could marry. James Clark was everything she had wanted and everything my father was not. He could buy her the world. She was jealous, but she had no idea how I wished I could give him to her. If I could have Edward back I would do it in a heartbeat.

"You _are _very pretty, Bella" The younger James brought me back to my senses. I couldn't have Edward back, and I shouldn't dwell. But the way he said the words it sounded as though he were trying to convince himself or, more conceivably, trying to ignore that I was pregnant.

"Thank you" I smiled brightly at him. This was what our marriage was going to be based on, a few words and a mutual semi-attraction? I swallowed the bile that was rising in my throat. I had never even wanted to get married. The idea of being a trophy for someone to show off at dinner parties repulsed me, but I reached clumsily for his hand anyway. I had to be convincing. For once in my life I had to be a good actress.

"I hope you didn't want a big wedding" he said after a long silence where he just stared at my hand in his.

"I wouldn't dream of it"

EPOV

**JAMES CLARK ENGAGED**

_In a shocking announcement made just last night, James Clark, a wealthy and prominent member of the Clark family, announced that he will be married by the end of the month. There are reports that the family did not even plan on making the news public, until James' sister, the much sought after Victoria Clark, made the mistake of informing the guests at a party held at the Clark estate. _

_We have exclusively learned that James' fiancé is the little known Isabella Swan of apparently no social standing. The choice is shocking as the young Mr. Clark had reportedly been linked to such esteemed beauties as Tanya Denali and Natalie Briggen, both heiresses with promising motion picture careers. _

_Miss Swan is the daughter of Police Chief Charles Swan and his wife Renee. Sources say that she is delighted at the upcoming nuptials and could not be happier with her choice of husband. _

And scribbled in the corner, in a handwriting that I instantly recognized as Alice's were the words

_Look what you've done_

What had I done? I hadn't done anything. Bella moved on, and she was happy, this was the one thing in her life that I had nothing to do with. If I had, I wouldn't have chosen James Clark for her. He was hash, brash, unemotional except when it suited his interests. James Clark was exactly the opposite of Bella. But this wasn't my choice. I hadn't known her as well as I thought, but that didn't matter now.

Bella was getting married. I tried to tell myself that that was good. For the thousandth time since I'd left her, I told myself that this is what I wanted. It didn't help. I still felt a raw and crawling jealousy spreading through me, and it didn't die as night fell, if anything it grew worse, and then there was the nagging question,

What in the hell did Alice mean?


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: I had fun with this chapter. I know that Victoria is a little extreme, but I decided that was alright. Its not often I get to write about a person thats so far on one side of the spectrum. Anywho, enjoy and R&R.**

I didn't have very good luck with sisters. Rosalie had never liked me. Her cold indifference showed me as much, but Victoria Clark was a different case entirely. She was a debutant in the truest sense of the word. Polite to a fault, sweet to the point where it was sickening, but still there was something in her candy-coated smile that hinted at displeasure. After all, they were the Clark siblings; their reputation was one of decadent parties, scandalous affairs, and most of all, the freedom to do whatever they wanted. I was going to ruin all that.

I looked down at the ring that weighed down my finger with a grimace. James stood beside me, shifting his weight between the balls of his feet to his toes as he waited for his sister to answer the door. We had barely spoken since the night he had "proposed" and he didn't show any inclination to change the way things stood. For his part, he had allowed my family to take part in the hasty wedding preparations, and Alice definitely counted herself among my family. She stood at my other side, her smile too bright, but the hand that she placed on top of my own comforting.

I was intimidated by Victoria, with her waist length scarlet curls and gorgeous porcelain skin. She was less human than angel, a dark and tempting angel. That's was her reputation at least, and she fit it marvelously. I heard the lock click and quickly composed myself. It wouldn't do if I were afraid of my own sister-in-law. The door swung open, and there stood Victoria Clark in an emerald gown that looked more like she were going to a gala than joining her own brother and his impromptu fiancé for lunch.

"Isabella!" she cooed as though I was an unexpected surprise, "James, Alice, I'm so glad you could make it" she ushered us in with the wave of a hand. I noticed that behind her stood a very dejected looking man in a suit whose job it must have been to greet the grand visitors to the Clark estate. The family had more servants than I could count, and for jobs as simple as maintaining a single room in the sprawling place.

Victoria didn't even bother to shut the door as she moved to walk with us to the garden. Though I had been there once before, the Clark mansion still took my breath away as we walked across the entryway as big as my entire house, and I understood Victoria's grand wardrobe choice. I would be tempted to dress like royalty for the simplest of things if I lived in a palace. Alice was unimpressed. As Victoria glided out onto the flowering lawn, chattering to her brother, Alice made a gagging motion so that I had to stifle a giggle.

"So Isabella, you must be terribly excited for tomorrow" the Clark sister turned her attention to me, and I blushed at my being caught at my immaturity.

"Of course" I responded automatically, trying to actually feel my words. Certainly James was a handsome man, and he seemed pleasant enough. I should have counted myself lucky to claim a spot so many longed for.

I had been promised a small wedding, but I should have known that would be too much to hope for. The Clark's version of small scale was that we wouldn't have to travel to Venice or France for the ceremony. The only concession they made as far as grandeur, is that they had finally agreed to have the wedding in the back garden. My dress was a complicated array of lace and silk, with buttons that began at the neckline and traveled all the way to the floor. It was a gorgeous cream colored gown that any sane bride would die to wear, but it couldn't have mattered less to me. It was my funeral dress as far as I was concerned.

The garden had been transformed even from its usual beauty for the ceremony. An alter had been set, and the chairs laid out, the fountains chiming softly in the air. A place for the band had been arranged, and even the flowers seemed in greater abundance for the event. It was clear that the war had not touched the Clark's bank accounts.

Victoria stood in the middle of it all with one hand on her perfectly maintained (and probably tortured) waist, "it's not at all ready" she tittered, scrutinizing every blade of grass, a frown playing on her glossy lips. I couldn't for the life of me see what she was complaining about.

"Isabella, you'll have to forgive me, my brother forgets that I am not a miracle worker" she patted James' cheek affectionately and then turned to Alice, "but of course your opinion matters too, you _do _after all represent Isabella's family"

The way she said it did not sound as though she wanted or needed Alice's approval at all. In fact, she sounded as though Alice were a disgrace, a terrible downgrade from her own family's grotesque wealth, even though the Cullen's had more than enough money in my opinion. Apparently the two families operated on different social planes, on which I wasn't even a speck. Victoria seemed to forget she was speaking to a girl who had absolutely no money to speak of.

"Yes well, adequate seems to be an apt term" Alice mocked Victoria's pretentious tone with amazing accuracy. She winked at me, and stuck her nose up as far as her tiny little frame could manage, which had me laughing again.

Victoria huffed and stomped out of the garden with such force that she tripped on her ridiculous train, "Victoria wait!" James called, jogging after her.

Alice and I collapsed into giggles until my own turned into real tears. It was Victoria who would be my sister-in-law and not the sweet girl who was standing beside me."Who does she think she is with that dress?" Alice asked quickly in a poorly masked distraction.

"She doesn't have to _think_ she's anyone, she's Victoria Clark, people bow at her feet"

"Honestly, she's nothing special. Her daddy's money made her" Alice stroked my hair quickly before holding out her hand for me to explore the grounds with her. I sighed, as long as I had her, maybe all of this wouldn't be so bad.

VPOV

"I'm doing everything I can for that little wretch!" I yelled through the door. James stood on the other side, trying to "talk sense" into me yet again. He had it backward, I was not the one who needed help. I wasn't the one marrying so below my class that it was disgusting, his fiancé was pregnant for God's sake!

We were the Clark's. We didn't get involved in this sort of scandal. If we were written about, it was for the gorgeous people we had coaxed to our sides for the most fashionable events, not for rushed and secret weddings because the bride was pregnant. James had told me that it was his child, but it was too much to fathom. Why on earth would my brother choose Isabella Swan of all girls?

Sure, the girl had her redeeming qualities. Even through her growing belly you could tell that she was beautiful, but she was next to destitute, and so unlike Tanya or Natalie who came before her (or during her I had to surmise). Why couldn't my father have just sent her on her way with money like he had with his mistresses? God knows she needed it. No, now there was a wedding to contend with. Isabella would be a blemish on our family, she certainly had no sense of style and would be horribly depressing at parties. One look at the girl and you could tell she was a prude. Though not prude enough to stay away from my brother.

"Give her time Victoria, I'm sure you'll warm up to each other" James called.

I snorted, though I had never met anyone who didn't brighten at my company, aside from Alice and Rosalie Cullen of course. The pious Cullen daughters hadn't even bothered to disguise their dislike, and despite their inferior beauty and horribly wilting dispositions, they had both managed to become more popular than me, a phenomenon I attributed to bribes. I shook my head to clear it. There were more pressing matters to deal with than old feuds. Besides, I was the popular one now, with a plethora of beautiful men at my side. Clearly, I had won.

"Do you honestly want to marry this girl James?" I asked, crossing to the door to look at him.

"Father says he'll cut me off if I refuse, so yes, I want to marry Bella"


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: I know this took a while, but I decided to rewrite it at the last minute. Happy MLK day by the way. The original was much shorter and didnt quite convey what I thought it should, as this is the wedding and all. As a note to all those who don't read random bits of poetry, the poem that Bella recites is _Suicide's Note_ by Langston Hughes. It was actually the inspiration for this rewrite (you can thank AP Lit), that and the realization that I really should attempt to write longer chapters. So this is longer. For those of you who are wondering what Edward and Jasper are up to, I am planning to do a war scene, but I have to wait until D-Day, so until then I'll have to rely on Alice's point of veiw to get what the brother thinks about all this. Also as a bit of trivia, I did some research for the wedding song. Apparently it was popular in that time, and it fit what I was trying to convey, so yeah. Anyway, enjoy and please review.**

Whoever chose _Stardust _as the song for James and me to begin our life together needed to be promptly shot. It was a sick joke, and a sappy one at that. It was a song of longing and love, of a person whose absence haunted your every move. But my husband was not that person for me, made clear by the fact that he could barely manage to utter his vows at the alter, and that he was currently knocking back drinks with Tanya Denali as I sat alone at the dais. Yet it wasn't betrayal I felt as I looked at the pair, it was jealousy. She loved him, and it wasn't even hard for her. She laughed at his every word, clung to his arm as she stumbled, she trusted him. I didn't. And I was his wife.

He looked happy too, for the first time all day. Her loving him made _him_ happy, and I could never give that to him. I slumped down on to the table, my chin in my hands. The garden had turned out beautifully. Now in the dark, it glittered with a thousand tea lights, a cool fall breeze brushing at the flowers. I barely knew anyone here. My mother had officially ostracized me, my father and I didn't speak. The only people there for me were the Cullens, and I couldn't bring myself to look at them.

Even Emmett and Rosalie had managed to fill into my meager side of the aisle, but it made me sick to my stomach to think of how I had disappointed them. I pushed away from the table, suddenly fighting the urge to vomit. The music was so enthralling, so fun that most guests were up dancing, and no one bothered to wonder why the bride was making an escape. I knew where I would go. The tea lights floating in the pond beckoned to me, with their calm, twinkling magic. Maybe there, away from the band and the plastered smiles (my own included) I would be able to gain some perspective.

I was married now. I was Mrs. Clark, a woman of great envy and fantastic fortune. It was really too bad that I had never wanted any of that. I didn't have Cinderellic ambitions to catch the prince; I wasn't even looking for a Mr. Darcy-esq fortune. What I wanted was the man who in spite of how wealthy he was found me amazing, and I him. How had Elizabeth said it? Completely and incandescently happy? But that wasn't how my story was meant to end. It was more of a tragedy I guess, a _Persuasion_ instead of _Pride and Prejudice. _I didn't even have the luxury of being Juliet, and having my Romeo come for me. I had Paris though, if you could call him that, and maybe if I tried really hard that would be enough.

But no. The thought of pretending to be in love with the man who was now my husband, who was repulsed by my very presence, was unbearable. And then the idea that he would be the one to raise Edward's child, was enough to make me want to run. It wasn't fair, not to James, not to Edward, not even to the baby growing inside me. He would never know the truth, and I would have to be the secret keeper, a secret that already weighed a thousand pounds. But what could I do? My baby needed a future, and I needed a place to stay that wouldn't constantly remind me of the one I had lost. There wasn't another option.

I had finally come to the pond, and its cool surface glared up at me with the truth of a thousand mirrors. I was not a beautiful blushing bride; I wasn't even a helpless captive. I was a monster who had betrayed the Cullens, who would have to lie to her own child, to her own husband. Every day would be a lie, every smile would be false, a happy façade, a gate for a sea of tears. I was complacent in my own misery, but that didn't make me any less criminal, any less guilty for my present or future actions.

I stepped to the water's edge. How deep was it? If I fell into the depths would it allow me passage into oblivion? Probably not, but the thought of nothingness was so appealing. Maybe it was deep enough. Maybe I could submerge myself into the chilled pool and forget about the treachery I had committed, or even what I was without. Maybe the water would take the weight of it all away, and I would be left to float, just like the glittering lights on the surface. How was it that old poem had gone, _Suicide's Note? _

_The calm_

_Cool face of the river_

_Asked me for a kiss._

I wondered if death would be like that, a kiss. Would it be as sublime as when my lips had touched Edward's? I crouched in the grass, staring at myself in the pond, bringing my face lower and lower until I had all but erased the image of the monster before me. I could still hear the reception and its laughter ringing in my ears. If I dipped my head just slightly in that would be erased. The sign of my greatest lie, and one of my biggest despairs would be extinguished. The first step to oblivion, the easiest. My nose skimmed the water, sending a ripple across the perfect picture. The tea lights rode the little waves, bumping into one another, and then I brought my lips to the surface, just like the poem had said, but there was nothing, only stillness met my touch.

"Bella?!" A deep voice called in alarm. It was so unexpected, the words crashing against me with such force that I lost my footing, my face momentarily plunging into the water before a rough hand yanked me back.

I coughed and spluttered. It was only a few seconds, but it was enough to send my heart flying against my ribs. I knew then that I had never really wanted to die. I wanted my baby, Edward's baby, to live. But I had come so close, or at least that's how it felt. I opened my eyes, still bleary from their submersion, and took in the form of my savior. It was Emmett, and he was staring at me with such concern that he looked pained.

"Thank you" I said stupidly. They were the first words I had said to him all night, afraid as I was to face his judgment.

"What the hell Bella?" he helped me to my feet, brushing a few soaking tendrils of hair away from my face. He was out of breath, not (I guessed) from the exertion (Emmett was the strongest man I knew), but from his surprise.

"Its nothing. I was just thinking."

"About what?" he asked incredulously, marveling at my calm tone.

"Langston Hughes" it was not a lie, though it was definitely not the truth.

"Do me a favor," he said, and I could tell that he was trying to steer the conversation in a lighter direction. I had a feeling near suicide was not something that Emmett encountered every day, "don't ever think of him again"

I nodded, as eager as he was for a subject change, though despite his joking manner he didn't let go of my arm again until we were well away from the pond.

"Congratulations," he said after a long silence during which I ran my finger along the petals of a fallen flower. "on both counts"

"You're finally an uncle" I did my best to fake a laugh. Before everything Emmett used to joke that he couldn't wait to be a bad influence on the children Edward and I would have. Now, he wouldn't have his chance. I doubted James would be very receptive to the idea.

Emmett granted me a sad little smirk. He put his arm around my shoulders and drew me close, so that the space between us was infinitesimal. His caring was enough to make me sob. He spoke into my hair, "You'll always be my sister, alright?"

He said it to comfort me, I knew, but that didn't lessen its meaning. Tears streaked down my cheeks as I nodded. He didn't hate me for what I had done. It wasn't a monster he had seen at the pond. Suddenly the weight on my shoulders lessened.

"Edward made a mistake" I groaned inwardly. This was not how I wanted the conversation to turn. The happiness I had felt at his simple statement slipped away slowly.

"Emmett don't" I protested, moving away from him to skirt along a wall of flowers. But even as I said it I knew that he wouldn't listen.

"Bella, do you have any idea how strong you are?"

"I'm not" the words were barely a breath, but he heard them.

"_You are_. Look what you're doing here Bella. You're willing to sacrifice everything. Edward just doesn't understand"

"Emmett _please" _I was begging now, seconds away from breaking down, because what he was saying wasn't true, and Edward did understand, he understood what I had known from the beginning, that I wasn't good enough. Emmett's words were a false hope, a poison to my resolve.

His next words came in a rush as though afraid that I could stop listening at any moment. He needn't have worried. I was glued to them, "he thought he was doing what was best for you, but he doesn't have a clue. If he knew Bella, if he knew what I know, what I see now, he never would have left. Its his loss Bella. Understand that. He lost more than you did"

I was shaking my head so hard the world was spinning. Emmett closed the gap between us and took my arm again, afraid that I would fall backward in my efforts to make sense of his words, but it was no use, they were senseless. Made up. Blind. Edward was a titanic loss. Me? I was nothing.

I didn't speak as Emmett led me back to the reception. It seemed a different world. He helped me into a chair, his words falling into oblivion. He took both my hands in his and crouched before me, his eyes entreating me for some sort of response, but I was numb. Numb, that is, until I saw James standing behind Emmett, looking murderous.

His eyes were clouded, drunk, but this time I was clear. Emmett looked back at the man without a flicker of fear, but panic rose up inside me. It hadn't taken me more than a second to decipher the source of his anger. He was jealous. I was his, however reluctantly he had taken me, and James Clark was not one to share.

"Oh." My voice was nearly gone, but I tried to sound casual, "James, this is Emmett McCarty; I think you know him and his wife Rosalie"

Emmett stood up, and it was certainly not a gesture that could be mistaken for wanting a handshake. He glared at my husband with such force that it scared even me, who knew Emmett only as a lovable, joking man. But there was no mistaking the strong side of Emmett now. Rosalie had srtood up, but the gap between them was too great. There was no way she could talk her husband out of a fight from that distance. Esme, Carlisle, and Alice were out of their seats too, moving toward us through the mob still dancing, unaware.

James staggered toward me, his arm wrenching me from my seat. I heard Emmett's low snarl, but I sent him a pleading, teary gaze that kept him rooted. James caught the look between us, and for a moment I thought that he might slap me, but what he did do was much more surprising. He crushed his lips to mine with such force that I bumped into the table and sent the impossibly expensive place setting clattering to the floor. He snaked his tongue through the shocked opening of my mouth, his hand slithering to my waist.

I felt the blush burning my cheeks, heard Rosalie finally at Emmett's side, quietly keeping him from destroying my captor. I thanked her inwardly. For what seemed like hours, but was probably no more than a minute, we stood locked in the awkward scene, until James released me. He brought his palm up to his lips and wiped at them, smirking in triumph at Emmett. The entire garden was turned to us now. Some were gasping, others laughing, still others shocked into silence. I saw Tanya get up in a fit of tears and run into the house. I crumpled into the chair. James left with barely a grunt, taking many of the staring eyes with him.

It was a vice to remember, his jealousy, one to catalogue for later. Esme and all of her famiy stood beside me, but to my surprise, it was Rosalie who put her hand on my shoulder. I suppressed my shock and smiled at her. There was no going back now. I had made my choice. I had to lie.

"It was just a kiss" I said, loudly enough for those surrounding to hear, "its nothing we haven't done before" that earned a few nervous laughs from those who believed that the child I was carrying belonged to the groom. It did little to assuage the real father's family, "really, I'm fine" I whispered to Emmett and Rosalie, "It's nothing I can't handle"

----

The Clark's owned so many homes it was hard to keep track. The one that was now ours wasn't far from the first. It had been given to the Clark children when James was only 12 as a symbol of their independence; Independence of course, aside from the half dozen servants that attended their mini palace.

The house boasted 8 bedrooms and just as many baths, but my favorite feature quickly became the balcony that jutted out from the master bedroom. James was too drunk to carry me over the threshold, but it didn't matter. He led me through the tour with his stumbling steps, and then had gone to the kitchen to get "us" more drinks. I leaned my elbows on the smooth railing, letting my gaze travel to the stars. I prayed that I would be alone like this for the rest of the night, but I knew as soon as I wished it that it was too much to ask.

"I could never see constellations" James slurred from behind me, making me jump.

"No?"

I turned to look at him and was startled, though not entirely surprised, to see that the clumsy drunkenness was no more. The sort of alcohol-induced laziness had disappeared, and in its place, the same liquor that had made him bearable, sedated him so that the ride to the house had been relatively painless, now burned in his veins like an all-consuming fire. The fames licked at his pupils, eating away at the clouds that had hung over them, and leaving only one clear and painful emotion, lust.

One thing was made clear to me about James, through his newspaper clippings as well as the short time I had spent with him. He was a passionate, strong man who always got what he wanted. It was just strange to think that the object of all of that, the fuel that burned the fire, was me. It was an odd feeling to be desired by James, not at all like what I had felt with Edward, which was fueled by love. No, my husband did not gaze at me with admiration, but with possession; just another trophy to add to his collection. And it suddenly became clear to me, more than any other time that day, that he would have me, all of me, and worse yet, I would have to let him. It was his right.

The thought made my knees buckle, but it didn't matter because James had crossed the distance between us and seized me by the small of my back. It should have been so easy to give in, to see the moment with complete rationality, but that wasn't how it happened. Instead, I felt my impending sin crash against my heart, seizing it and making it hard to breathe. Betrayal is the worst kind of sin because there is no cure but to stop the behavior and I couldn't do that. I had to give in.

He was pulling me closer, suffocating me with his lips, growling into mouth hungrily. He wanted me to do something of course, but I was lost. I planted my lips against the hallow of his neck if only to keep from screaming, for I was burning with a different kind of fire than my husband. I was in a hell, a dark and torturous pit of heat. My body wanted so many different things. On a basic level, it wanted to satisfy this need just as James did, but my heart was breaking, and with it came the sweating, the shaking, the threat that I would fall to the floor. It was wrong to be conflicted, wrong to have any desire at all. My body was betraying me.

Tears fell down my cheeks as I sank deeper into silent torture. For his part, James was completely unconcerned with my feelings. He rooted his fingers into my hair. His touch was rough against my scalp, his lips hard against my skin. The buttons on my dress had come undone at some point. I could feel the chill of the night air hitting my bare skin. This was wrong. I didn't love James, and he was not Edward. Edward would hate me. He would see me for the wretch that I was. Edward was the only person who had ever truly known that me, and he would see the darkness in me now.

My stomach twisted, my throat burning with the bile that clogged and clawed at it. I choked and sputtered, pulling my lips away from James to try and catch my breath. This he noticed. He didn't say a word, but pushed me back onto the bed so that I hit it with a thud. A strangled shriek escaped me and I kicked wildly at the air. James hovered over me, his hand poised as if to strike, but instead his mouth groped at my shoulder, his teeth grazing the skin, his tongue priming it as though he would strike like a snake. His venom, his poison, would kill me. It was already killing me.

I couldn't hold it back anymore. I felt the acid flowing upward and I sobbed as it spewed from me and right onto James' hunched body. My vomit covered his shoulder and back, and a low snarl ripped through the relative silence. My sobs were the only other sound. They were tears of sadness yes, but also of relief, relief that it had ended, relief that I hadn't had to endure my greatest betrayal. Certainly, James wouldn't want to touch me now. He raised his head, his eyes glaring with a terrible fury.

This time he did slap me. There was a crack of palm against my cheek, leaving an angry red slash against my skin.

"You mean nothing to me you little bitch."

His teeth were bared, more beast than man. I scrambled up onto the bed and brought my knees as close as I could to my chest. James didn't speak again. He didn't come any closer. There was a rush of air as the door swung open, and the smell of my own bile, as well as the alcohol that had seeped into James' every pore, disappeared when the door slammed, rattling the walls as it did. The silence brought with it more judgment than I could have imagined. I had been so completely wrong. I couldn't handle this.


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: Happy Australia day everyone! Yeah, I'm an Australia nut and am currently watching the Nicole Kidman, Hugh Jackman classic _Australia_. Anyway, I decided to open this chapter with the letters from Jasper and Alice. I thought it would provide some repriefrom a love "lost" between Edward and Bella. I was going to rewrite this chapter for the 2nd time, but decided not to as the new draft wasnt long enough and right now I can barely get my school work done as it is. I hope you enjoy this version. Please R&R**

**December 1942**

_Dear Alice,_

_How was the wedding? Get you planning for ours? Everything is fine here. The days are long. It seems like we're rushing toward a goal that keeps moving backward. How is Bella? She's always been fragile Alice, always needed me to pick her up, but I thought that with Edward she'd be safe. And now he's gone and joined the same useless cause I have. The rest of the world is fighting Alice, and what have we done? I'm sorry; I know you don't like to hear me talk about the war. Its not that I want to be in danger, but inaction is killing me. I would rather be at home. With you. When I get back we'll be married, and I won't leave you again. I swear it. It's not worth it Alice, it never was. _

_Jasper_

_---_

_Dear Jasper,_

_They won't even let me see her! James Clark Senior has forbidden me from even coming near the property. He said he'll call the police if I try. I would Jasper- believe me I would risk a lot more than jail to make sure she's okay, but Mom and Dad know me too well. They won't let me even go near the house without supervision. I don't know why exactly he's done it, but Dad thinks its because they don't want me to influence her, make her leave her idiot husband. I know what this must be doing to you Jasper, but please stay safe. I don't know what I would do without you. I see Bella without Edward, and that could be me, if you don't stay safe that could be me. You know what the worst part about all of this is? I can't even tell her that I'm marrying you. I guess we'll tell her together when you come home._

_All my love,_

_Alice__._

BPOV

Apparently being a Clark had its rules, especially being a Clark by marriage. I was expected to look perfect to the outside world. Act like everyone was waiting to take my picture. Sometimes It seemed that way. In the month since James and I had been married, the new Mrs. Clark had been plastered in the papers at least once a week. As if this new found interest in me wasn't surprising enough, the public seemed to like me. Whatever that was worth.

It was honestly useless for strangers to like me if my own husband couldn't stand to be in a room with me for more than five minutes. To them I was an alien species, a polite, meek socialite. Victoria was furious, and it was on one particularly angry afternoon that she brought the rules to my attention. I was not to be seen in the company of other men (as though that would be a problem, particularly in my current state).I was to dress as though I were a movie star. Never be seen going to homes of an unsuitable nature (and by this she seemed to mean any house that was not an exorbitant amount of money). And above all, I must always look as though I loved my husband. That shouldn't have been the hardest one, but it was.

And so my life took on a new form. I didn't see my family anymore, but that didn't have much of an effect as they had all but abandoned me anyway. My mother's jealousy at my marriage had taken her over completely, leaving me to think that perhaps what I had always assumed was love for Jasper and me, was actually obsession. Maybe she had been so distraught with her life that she had grasped on to anything for stability. Her children became an outlet for her to put all of her emotions into. Certainly, my father wouldn't have listened to them. What choice did she have? None. I could see that now.

So in the absence of the love I was left with a void. It seemed fitting with everything else in my life. This change was not as hard to swallow though, as the sudden disappearance of the Cullens. I knew that it wasn't their doing. James Clark Senior wanted absolutely nothing to tempt me back into my old life. He saw to it that when Alice came to the door she was promptly sent away, that when Esme called the house she was incorrectly informed that I was out enjoying the tasks of a married woman. What those tasks were exactly I had yet to figure out.

Still, my cunning "sister" found ways to communicate. I would wake to find a letter at the foot of my bed, filling me in on the comings and goings of her household. Of course I could never respond, and she seemed to understand. Still, a new letter would appear, always making me smile. She even told me about her mystery suitor, how he wrote to her often and was just about as excited about their upcoming wedding as she was (no one could be more excited about any wedding than Alice, let alone her own). I wished I could ask again who he was, but I didn't dare write.

James had barely spoken to me since our disastrous wedding night, and I didn't want to fuel his temper by communicating with someone he and his family tried to keep me away from at all times. They were right to. Just one sided conversations with Alice were almost enough to send me to her house again. But no, I had made my decision. I said the sentence so much it seemed to be my new mantra.

"Mrs. Clark?" that was new. The voice outside my door had the carefully meek and pleasant tone I had come to associate with housekeepers. I looked at myself in the mirror one last time. Apparently, Victoria had gone shopping for her new sister-in-law, and her style was even more ostentatious than what Alice had once tried to push on me. I groaned and moved to answer the door.

"Mrs. Clark you have a visitor"

Visitor? I didn't know anyone. I could only assume that whoever had come to the house was a friend of James', come back from a long vacation in some glorious location only to discover that an earth shattering union had taken place in their absence. Coming to see the figment in person, in other words.

"Where is Mr. Clark?" I asked it without really caring, just for something to say to the woman.

The woman hesitated, smoothing her graying hair from her forehead, "Still asleep madam"

I sighed. It seemed a millennium since our wedding night, but James was still brooding. I had humiliated him I suppose, as ridiculous as that label seemed. If anything I had humiliated myself. I was the one whose new talent seemed to be projectile vomit. In any case, he had taken to sleeping in the room at the end of the hall, with every one of his nightly indiscretions.

"There's a woman in his room isn't there?" I said it blandly, I was beyond caring what James did, in fact, I had never really cared to begin with.

The woman smiled nervously, "Yes Mrs. Clark"

"Bella" I corrected, "and you are?" she seemed taken aback by the fact that I had so very little concern for my husbands extra curricular activities, but she was relieved that the burden of dwelling on the issue had been taken away from her.

"Evelyn" she smiled warmly at me and we walked down the hall together in companionable silence, Evelyn trying to pretend that she didn't hear my husband and his "friend" as we passed his room. Of course even if she was a step away from deaf she would have heard them, the girl and her ridiculous squeal, his overt comments about her anatomy.

"Has Mr. Clark always been like this?" I asked airily, waving a hand at the closed door. I was trying to establish some sort of background on my husband in whatever way I could, and the only way to do that seemed to be through the observations of others, as he had no interest in sharing with me.

"Oh yes ma- Bella. When he was younger I did my best to stop it, but with his father as a model it was difficult to have any effect" she frowned and shook her head at the floor. An image came to my head of a young boy watching the parade of women his father brought home, of having to watch as his mother sobbed, witness his father's indifference. I felt bad for the boy, for the man he had become. But of course these were only imaginings. I had heard talk that James' mother hadn't been the least bit in love with his father, and had had her own affairs to prove it. What a world we lived in, with loveless unions and throw away "friends" It was disgusting, but after all what I was doing wasn't much better was it? Married to one while desperately in love with another. It was almost worse than having an affair, after all, that was just sex.

We had made it to the door and she dismissed herself without another word as I pulled it open.

Outside stood James Clark Senior, looking as imposing as ever, even in the informal setting. He let himself in without asking and then turned to me abruptly, "I have business with my son" and then as if in an afterthought he added, "how are you?"

"I'm fine" I said simply, because on the surface it was true. James hadn't hurt me, he had barely even spoken to me. What I didn't say was that the dread grew inside me at every hour I sat in this grand prison.

"Where is that son of mine?" Mr. Clark's gruff, no nonsense voice brought me back from my reverie.

"Asleep" I busied myself with the pillows on the couch in hopes that he wouldn't see past my lie. It didn't work.

"Asleep with whom?" he asked bluntly. I blushed. This was not a conversation I wanted to be having with my father-in-law, or anyone for that matter.

"Someone gorgeous I assume," I said in an attempt to lighten the mood. But James Clark Senior had an agenda, to reform his son, and his mood wouldn't be lightened so easily. His continued relationship with his son depended on James' compliance with his father's will, and from what little I understood of my husband, he was not one who was often told what to do.

"A safe assumption" My father-in-law said quietly, "though you shouldn't take it personally. He is very fond of you"

I nodded at his lie. Up until now, James' choice of girlfriends had been beautiful socialites with movie star prospects, provocative women who giggled at his every move. I listened to the audible laughter from upstairs and knew unequivocally that I was right. To be James' type I would need to foster an interest for ballet and parties, drinking, and most of all, him.

"If you'll excuse me, I think I'll go talk to my son"

----

JAMES' POV

"What was your name again?" I tried to think back to last night, but the girls name was lost among many beautiful women who had caught my attention. This one was a blonde. She was pale as powder with a freckle above her lip that was more than inviting, as well as freckles in other places that were like markers for drunk men like myself.

She giggled. God, she did that a lot. It was an irritating sound really, high pitched and obnoxious, "Lillian of course"

Of course, the senator's daughter. I recognized her from over publicized family portraits. The senator was a severe man who was always harping on about morality, ironic really, now that I had defiled his precious angel. She buried her head in my chest, her unpracticed lips sloppily covering my skin. I sighed and pushed her back down onto the pillows. I really needed to be careful who I picked up.

Just for something to do I ran my finger from her forehead down. She nipped like a dog when I had made it to her lips. She was such a virgin. Well, not anymore. In any case, the action that would by a more practiced lesion have been seductive came out clumsy and completely unenticing. I stopped my trail down her body and turned away.

The door burst open and the girl squealed in surprise, grabbing at my arm as though I would protect her. I snorted. I was no knight in shining armor, and the man at the door was my father. Lillian ducked her head under the covers at the sight of him, and I took that as my opportunity to leave.

"Father, what a pleasant surprise" my tone was infuriating him, and I couldn't help but smirk as his anger reached the point of near explosion.

"What do you think you're doing?" He snarled

"Improving senatorial relations, or was I ruining them? Only time will tell"

"You are married now, you cannot have a parade of women in the same house as your _wife!_"

Again I found myself snorting. His hypocrisy was rich, "right. What was it you used to do? Pay them off so that they would meet you in some hotel?"

"If you ruin this after all I've been through to secure it James, then you will get nothing from me. This luxury you've gotten used to? It will be gone. Do you imagine you'll have a host of beautiful women lining up for you then?"

"I've certainly got a better chance than you" for a minute the old man looked like he might actually hit me. Instead he turned away and stalked off down the stairs without another word. I listened to him bid goodbye to Bella, and then the door shut.

"What was all that about?" The blonde asked me. She was wearing my shirt and a bemused expression that I doubted ever left her face. If nothing else she was pretty, and I captured her lips and held them to my own.

"nothing" I said as we broke apart, "its not a problem"

---

EPOV

Had she been brainwashed, or had I really not known her at all? The letters from Alice concerning Bella had been disconcerting enough, but then to see the articles that had been written….I wouldn't have believed them just a few months ago. The Bella that I had shared a life with would never have gone out to expensive parties. She was more comfortable in her mom's old dress than a gown. And she certainly wouldn't have wanted to be the center of attention. Alice had said that she hadn't even spoken to her since the wedding.

Had I imagined her? Had I imposed so much of who I thought she should be that I had lost who she really was? I missed her desperately, but it didn't take much to figure out that I was missing a ghost. The knowledge should have stopped my love for her, but it didn't. my heart ached at the new image of her as a socialite icon, flitting from party to party with her dimwitted husband. I fought to keep the image of my Bella in my head, but it had all but disappeared.

I guess it was never really mine to keep. Like dreams, memories are biased, and like dreams you must eventually surrender and give your memories up.

Mercifully though, the image that came to me that night was of Bella, _my _Bella, lying beside me, her lips pressed to my neck. I could almost feel her hair beneath my chin, her breath against my skin. It was the clearest picture I had had since leaving her, and even if it was now a lie, I was glad for it. It was the last clear picture I would have for a long time, the only truth despite its falsehood.


End file.
